It’s three days before Christmas and you’re still coming up empty for that special someone. What to do? The more important question is “what to get?”

First, consider your budget. He/She isn’t earning your paycheck, so they have no right to dictate what they want from you (unless it’s sex). Next, consider their worth. How much does he/she really mean to you? Bed buddies shouldn’t expect anything (unless it’s sex). Lastly, consider the length of time you two have been dating. If you’ve made it through several holiday seasons together already, then your sheer presence should be gift enough (accompanied by sex).

I’ve compiled a few last minute gift ideas that should fit into a mix and match of these considerations.

For Her:

• Scented Candles [Tip: Stay away from floral scented candles, unless she’s an old hag. Vanilla is always a winner!]
• Foot Spa – This is a bonus for guys. Every girl needs one of these, and best of all, you won’t ever have to rub her feet again!
• Chocolate Fondue Set  - If she’s feeling kinky enough, she might let you lick the chocolate off her private parts.
• Weight Scale – While chicks are always checking their weight, be careful with this one guys. This might lead to a never ending game of twenty questions. The only difference is it would be the same question over and over and over again: “Am I fat?”
• Day Spa Gift Certificate – This is the perfect gift that says “I care about your well being.” It also gets her out your hair for at least a couple of hours depending on the amount you give.

For Him:

• Gym bag – This is a multi-purpose gift. He can use it to carry his smelly gym clothes or you can use it to pack in all of his crap that he left behind at your place after you throw him out.
• Bathrobe – Nothing like cuddling up next to a man who feels like, and might be the size of, a big plush teddy bear.
• Bar Ware – This is for the man who still drinks scotch out of college party cups. (You know who you are.)
• An HD Handheld Video Cam – Only make this purchase if you don’t mind being a porn star one night. Ladies…you will be filmed.
• Best Buy Gift Card – This is the perfect gift that says “I know it’s not enough for a 50” plasma but that should be motivation to do something with your life.”

Hope this helps. If all else fails, go with booze. A good bottle with the right amount of consumption is sure to end with sex.

Have Merry Sexy Christmas!